My father used to call me “well adjusted.” I suppose, in his eyes, I was the ideal daughter—quiet, respectful, non-confrontational. I never talked back; smiled through everything; and held my tongue when I wanted to scream. What my father never realized, though, was that there was a storm brewing inside me. A constant, simmering rage I didn’t quite know how to process. At any given moment, I felt I could have exploded—if I’d had permission to feel.
But I didn’t.
I was raised with certain beliefs that, on the surface, seemed noble: “Don’t turn your back on family.” “Keep the peace.” “Be respectful.” “Honor your parents.” These messages weren’t inherently wrong—in fact, many are rooted in Scripture. But they were presented without context or balance. And in my family, they translated into silence. Suppression. Performance. I learned early on that sharing how I really felt wasn’t safe, or welcome. My truth didn’t fit the family script, so I folded it into myself. Tucked it away. Smiled instead.
Ephesians 6:2 says, “Honor your father and mother,” but we forget that honoring doesn’t mean tolerating harm. We forget that verse 4 continues, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Honor goes both ways—and so does accountability.
What I didn’t understand then was that those early coping mechanisms—those “well-adjusted” behaviors—were actually survival strategies. I was emotionally immature—restrained. I wasn’t peaceful. I was afraid. And I wasn’t okay. I was just trying to seem okay so I wouldn’t upset the fragile dynamics in my family.
As I’ve drawn closer to God, I’ve realized how much of my early understanding of relationships, boundaries, and self-worth was shaped more by fear than by faith. My silence wasn’t fruit of the Spirit—it was self-preservation.
The Word says in 2 Corinthians 3:17, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” But there was no freedom in my silence. No liberty in my performance. And God is not glorified by children who suppress their voices just to make others comfortable.
Healing has required me to confront a hard truth: many of the traits that made me look like a model child have made me an unhealthy adult.
I sometimes struggle to voice my needs.
I tolerate mistreatment for the sake of peace.
I second-guess myself when I feel angry.
I freeze when conflict arises.
Why? Because somewhere deep in my subconscious, I still hear the echo: “Keep quiet. Don’t cause problems. Don’t turn your back on family.”
But what do you do when the cost of honoring family means dishonoring yourself—and by extension, dishonoring the image of God within you?
The truth is, God never called us to emotional martyrdom.
Jesus Himself set boundaries. He walked away from toxic crowds. He flipped tables and corrected religious leaders. He retreated to pray. He did not allow guilt, manipulation, or false peace to distract Him from His purpose. He loved deeply, but He also knew when to be silent—and when to speak up.
Proverbs 4:23 reminds us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” That includes guarding your heart from the people who share your blood. That includes guarding your mind from the lies you were taught to believe about what makes a “good” daughter, son, or sibling.
So here’s what I’ve learned: being “well adjusted” shouldn’t mean being well-behaved at the expense of your emotional and spiritual safety. It shouldn’t mean pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. It shouldn’t mean smiling through your own betrayal just to keep the peace.
The truth is, some of the most “well adjusted” kids were simply the most silenced.
And God sees that.
The child in you may have needed to survive in silence, but the adult in you is being invited into truth. And the truth, according to John 8:32, “will set you free.”
You are allowed to unlearn the version of you that kept the peace at all costs.
You’re allowed to speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.
You’re allowed to feel anger, even if you were taught it was wrong.
You’re allowed to heal, even if it means disappointing the people who benefitted from your silence.
Let the God of restoration meet you in those hidden places.
Because freedom isn’t found in being “well adjusted.”
Freedom is found in being real.
And most importantly, freedom is found in Him.
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