For much of my life, I’ve carried a complex mix of emotions shaped by growing up with an emotionally distant mother and an absentee father. The imprint of that upbringing still lingers, but over time, I’ve learned to understand my emotions, honor them, and slowly move toward healing. Today, I want to share my journey through the five emotions I’ve felt most often—how they’ve evolved, and what I’ve learned from them along the way.
1. Anger: The Armor I Wore
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Anger has been a constant companion, lingering beneath the surface since adolescence. It grew from feeling silenced and unseen by the people who were supposed to love me. In my 20s, anger served as a form of armor, protecting me from the sadness I believed I wasn’t supposed to feel. Whenever I expressed my sadness, my mother would ask, “What do you have to be sad about?” So, I buried it, only to have it later resurface as rage.
While my anger has softened over time, it still flares up when I feel like I’m failing in life or when old wounds are triggered. But the difference now is that I recognize it as a signal—a reminder that there’s still hurt beneath the surface that needs my attention.
2. Sadness: Mourning What Was Missing
For years, I suppressed my sadness, being told it was unjustified. But sadness has always lingered in the background—a quiet ache for the childhood I never had and the love I longed for from my parents. As an adult, that sadness sometimes appears as loneliness, especially when I isolate myself to avoid getting hurt. Yet, the more I allow myself to feel sadness, the more I understand it’s not a weakness but a natural response to grief. Acknowledging my grief has been painful, but it’s also opened a door to healing.
3. Anxiety: Living on Edge
Anxiety has followed me from childhood into adulthood. When I was young, it was tied to my mother’s temper. If I did or said something to set her off, I would endure her anger endlessly. That constant fear of saying or doing something “wrong” stayed with me, morphing into a relentless pressure to meet my own impossible standards.
Now, I feel anxious when tasks linger unfinished or when I fear I’m not successful enough. It feels like my mother’s expectations have become my own, and I’m still striving to prove myself worthy of love. But I’m learning that much of this anxiety stems from a need for control over my surroundings—and that peace comes when I allow myself to just let go and be.
4. Joy: Finding Light in the Darkness
Joy was a rare but precious emotion in my childhood, mostly experienced with my grandparents who provided the love and stability my mother didn’t. The happiest memories I have were with them in their home where I felt safe and genuinely accepted as I was.
As an adult, I’ve learned to cultivate joy in the small, everyday moments—sharing a laugh with a friend, feeling the sun on my face, or celebrating personal milestones. The joy I feel now is more profound because I allow myself to feel it without the fear of it being taken away.
5. Gratitude: Embracing the Present
Despite everything, gratitude has grown stronger with time. I’m grateful for the life I’ve built, the freedoms I have, and the people who’ve shown me love along my journey. Gratitude used to feel forced—something I clung to so I wouldn’t fall into despair. But now, it feels genuine. I can hold gratitude and sadness at the same time, honoring my past while appreciating the blessings of my present.
How My Emotions Have Evolved
When I was younger, anger and anxiety dominated, pushing sadness and joy into the shadows. But as I’ve done the work to heal, sadness has become something I honor, and joy has become something I actively seek. The emotions I live with today aren’t necessarily easier, but they are more balanced. I no longer feel stuck in a cycle of repression and outbursts—I can feel my emotions, understand them, and choose how to respond. And in the moments of peace in between, I remind myself how far I’ve come.
If you’ve grown up with emotionally unavailable parents, know this: healing isn’t linear, and feeling your emotions doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. And with time, patience, and self-compassion, you can create a life where peace and joy have room to grow.
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