First of all let me just say this:
This isn’t about villainizing anyone—it’s about bringing awareness to something many parents overlook: the painful reality behind why some adult children create distance.
There’s something unsettling about a parent who is quick to point out the flaws in their adult child without first reflecting on where those flaws may have come from. I firmly believe that parents should be very careful about passing judgment on their grown children—especially when they haven’t taken the time to examine their own role in shaping who that child has become.
It takes real self-awareness to acknowledge that some of the patterns we see in our children are the very ones that have been passed down—sometimes unknowingly, sometimes blatantly. Generational habits, mindsets, emotional reactions, and relational dysfunctions often repeat themselves like echoes in a canyon. Children learn by watching. And what they see in us, they often carry with them into adulthood—sometimes even while trying desperately to unlearn it.
So when a parent sits in judgment of their adult child’s choices, actions, attitudes, or emotional struggles without acknowledging their own influence, that’s not just unfair—it’s emotionally dishonest. It’s easy to criticize what you don’t like in someone else. But it takes courage to ask, “Did I help create this?”
But there’s more…
This becomes even more painful and complex in cases where a parent was absent. And not just physically absent—though that leaves a massive void—but emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, distracted, or self-absorbed. When a parent fails to show up or support their child during the formative years, they relinquish the right to later critique the outcome as if they weren’t part of the equation.
You can’t skip the work and still expect to have a say in the results.
Let’s be honest: a parent who didn’t participate in the raising of their child does not get to show up years later with a clipboard and a list of complaints. Their judgment doesn’t come from a place of wisdom or insight—it often comes from guilt, regret, or discomfort with their own reflection. What they’re labeling as a child’s “failure” may actually be the mirror of their own absence, negligence, or unresolved emotional issues.
It’s easier to shift blame than to sit with grief…. Easier to critique than to confront your own shortcomings.
But healing doesn’t begin with blame—it begins with ownership. That’s the hard part. That’s the part most people try to avoid. Because ownership requires humility. It means saying things like:
- “I see how I failed to protect you.”
- “I didn’t know what you needed, and I didn’t ask.”
- “I see now that the way I parented left wounds you’re still trying to heal.”
- “I judged you before I truly saw you.”
And maybe the most powerful:
“I’m sorry.”
To the parent reading this: before you pass judgment, stop and take a long look in the mirror. Ask yourself some hard, uncomfortable questions. Are the things you’re pointing out in your adult child part of a generational cycle you never broke? Are you expecting from them what you never taught, modeled, or supported?
And if you weren’t there—if you left, disengaged, or emotionally distanced yourself—have you considered that your criticism might not only be misplaced, but damaging?
Every adult is responsible for their healing and choices. No one gets a free pass. But understanding the origin of certain struggles brings compassion into the conversation. It creates space for reconciliation, not resentment.
If you really want to influence your adult child, choose humility over judgment. Choose honesty over defensiveness. Show up now in ways you didn’t before. Apologize. Ask questions. Be open to hearing the hard truth, even if it’s about you.
Because sometimes, what you’re seeing in them…
is actually a reflection of you.
#generationalhealing #selfawareness #parentingadults #breakingcycles #healingjourney #familydynamics #innerwork #emotionalmaturity #dysfunctionalfamily